Family Jokes

A child asked his father,"How were people born?
So his father said,'Adam and Eve made Babies,and so on."
The child then went to his mother,asked her the 
same question and she told him,"we were monkeys then
we evolved to become like we are now."The child 
Ran back to his father and said,"You lied to me!"His Father
replied,"No your mom  was talking about her side of the family.

Fun

Wife:"I look fat.Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband:"you have perfect eyesight.

Fun

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The bus driver says,

"That the ugliest baby that i've ever seen.

Ugh!"The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down,fuming.

She says to a man next to her,"The driver just 

Insulted me!"The man says,"you go right up there and tell him off-go ahead,

i'll hold your monkey for you..

Fun

Little sally came home from school with a smile on her face,and told her mother,

"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!

"Before the mother could raise a concern,Sally went on to say,"It reminded me of

a peanut."Relaxing with a hidden smile,sally's mom asked,"

Really small,was it?"sally replied,"No salty."Mom fainted....

 

Dirty Jokes

A Five-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was.
His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
That evening the second boy asked his dad.
His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and,holding his penis in one hand,
Said,"son,this is a penis.In fact,if you take 
A closer look you will notice that is a perfect penis."The next day boy saw
his friend at recess and called him behind a hedge.
The boy exposed himself and whispered,"this is a penis.In fact,if it were 
three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis...

Fun

A few months after his parents were divorced,

Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning,

i need a man!"over the next several months,

he saw her doing this often.one day,he came from school and heard her moaning differently.

When he picked her into bedroom,he saw a man

on top her.Little Johnny ran into his room,took off his clothes,threw himself on his bed,

and started stroking himself,moaning,"I need a bike!I need a bike!!!!

Fun 

Arnold schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J.

Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one,The pope has one but doesn't use it,

Dominique strauss-Khan uses his all the time.

What is it?A last name!And shame on you for thinking it was something else.

Dirty Jokes

A Blonde decides to get a porno movie,so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.

When she puts the DVD in and presses 'play,'the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on.

Frustrated,she calls the store about the movie.

They ask her what the title is,and she replies,'Head cleaner"

Dirty Fun

A cucumber,a pickle,and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives.

Cucumber:The cucumber says,"My life sucks.I'm put in salads,and,to top them off,

They pour ranch dressing all over me.My life sucks.
Pickle:"The pickle says,"that's nothing compared to my life.I'm put in vinegar and stored

away for months,out of sight.

Man:My life boring.I hate life.

Penis:"so the penis says,"what are guys complaining about?My life is so messed up that i feel

like shooting myself.They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag,shove me in a cave,and make me do push-ups until I throw up.

Dirty Fun

A guys walks into a bar looking really moody,and orders a double-whiskey.

Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got,until the bartender finally says;

"You know,i don't understand what you're complaining about.All the.

Dirty Fun

A man and a woman were approaching  their 50th anniversary.

To celebrate,the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.
Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night,and eat at the dinner table naked.
The woman agreed.on their anniversary night,at the table,the woman says,"Honey,
my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago."The man replies,"Madge,hon,that's because
 they are sitting in your soup...

Food Jokes

A man kills deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
bit will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said,"well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."The little girl screamed
to her brother,"Don't eat it.Its an asshole!!!

Food fun

A teacher asked her students to use the word"beans"in a sentence.

"My father grows beans,"said one girl.

"My mother cooks  beans,"said a boy.A third student spoke up,

"we are all human beans."

Food fun

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex

drive by 90%.It's called a wedding cake...

 Food fun

A panda walks into a bar,sits down,and orders a sandwich.

He eats,pulls out a gun,and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go,the bartender shouts,"hey!

Where are you going?You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay

for the food!"The panda yells back,"Hey man,i'm panda.

Look it up!"The bartender opens his dictionary to panda,"A tree

climbing mammal of Asian origin,characterized by distinct 

black and white coloring.Eats,shoots,and leaves."

Short Jokes

Teacher:What are some products of the West Indies?
Student:i don't know.
Teacher:of course,you do.where do you get sugar from?
Student:We borrow it from our neighbor.

Fun

Teacher:could you please pay a little attention here?

Student:Yes mam,I am Paying as little attention as i can.!!!

Fun

An E.N.T. Professor retired from college.

In the farewell college faculty gifted him a siver ear thanking the 

Faculty the professor said:Thank God I am not a

  gynecologist.

Fun

Teacher:Can anybody give an example of coincidence?

Pappu:sir,my mother and father got married on the same day,same time...

Fun

Teacher:How old is your dad.

Student:He is as old as i am.

Teacher:How is it possible?

Student:Because he became a dad only after i was born...

Fun

johnny asked to sam what they will do that night.

Sam said "we will flip a coin 

Then Johnny said "If it comes head,we will go for movies.

If tails,we will play cards,If it stands on edge,we will study.....

Fun

Customer:Waiter,waiter!There is a frog in my soup!!!

Waiter:Sorry,sir.the fly is on vacation

Fun

Patient:Doctor,I have a pain in my eye whenever i drink tea.

Doctor:Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Jokes

"Babe is it in?" "yea." "Does it hurt?" "uh huh.

" "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts.

" "okay,let's try another shoe size."

 Fun 

There was an old couple laying in bed.

The man turns tells the woman,"if you want to have sex,pull on my dick once.

If you don't want to have sex,pull on my 

dick one hundred times."

Fun

During a discussion at sunday school,a nun asks the children 

what they think god takes you by when you die.

A kid responds,"i think God takes you by your feet,because

once i walked into my parents room and my mom's

feet were in the air and she was screaming,"oh God,i'm coming!!!!

Fun

what did the left p*ssy lip say to the right p*ssy lip?

"we used to be really tight until you let

that d*ck come between us

Fun

Women are like rocks.

They're only cool after they get wet.

Fun

A boy asks his mom,"why am i black and you're white?

"She says,"Don't even go there.

The way that party went,you're lucky you don't bark."

Fun

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 Seconds?

Sex Jokes

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts,"Mypenis,"and the wife falls on the ground
laughing because on the screen it says,"Error.Not long enough."

Fun

Teacher:The teacher asked jimmy,"why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

 Jimmy:Jimmy replied crying,"Because I heard tell my mommy,"i am going to eat that pussy

once Jimmy leaves for school today!

Fun

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother,where do babies come from?"the mother thinks for a few seconds and says,"well dear,

Mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.one night they go into their bedroom,they kiss and hug,and have sex."The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,"That means the daddy

puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.That's how you get a baby,honey."the child seems to comprehend."Oh,i see,but the other night when i came daddy's penis in your mouth.what do you

get when you do that?"Jewelry,my dear.Jewelry."

Fun

I asked a chinese girl for her number.She said,"sex! sex! sex! free sex tonight!

"I said,"Wow!"Then her friend said,"she means 666-3629."

Fun 

Having sex is like playing bridge.

If you don't have good partner,you'd better

have a good hand.

Fun

Maria:Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by

climbing  a tree.

Mom:Mom responded,"maria,they just wanted to see your panties!"

Maria:She replied,"see Mom,I was smart,i took them off!" 

 

Science Jokes

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says,"sorry,we don't
serve noble gases here."Helium doesn't react

Fun

Molecule 1:I just lost an electron.

Molecule 2:Are you sure?

Molecule 3:I'm positive

Fun

Newton,Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek.

Archimedes starts to count,pascal hides in a bush,

And Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it.

Archimedes finds Newton first,of course,but Newton

Replies,"Nope.one Newton on one square meter is equal to

one pascal.

Fun

When you die,you should have your brain donated to science.

I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

Fun

When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like,"O MG!

Fun

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

The first says to the second,"I think i've lost an electron.

The second replies,"Are you Sure?"to 

which the first retorts,'yes,i'm positive

 

Blonde Fun

May i take your order?"the blonde waitress asked.
"yes,how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir,"she replied,"we just tell them
straight out that they're going to die.

Fun

I asked a blonde,"which is closer,Florida or the sun?

"She said,"The Sun,because i can look up and see it.

Fun

A blonde is over weight so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days,

Then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose

at least five pounds."When the blonde returns,she's

Lost nearly 20 pounds.The doctor exclaims,"that's amazing!

Did you follow my diet?"The blonde nods.

"i thought i was going to drop dead every third day from all

 The Skipping! 

Funny

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde.
He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked
she stuck her head out and said,"yes,no,yes,no,yes.......

Fun

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license.

she replied in a huff,"i wish you guys could get your act together.

just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me show it to you.

Fun

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is Pregnant with twins.

 She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

She replies,"i know who the dad is for one of them but i don't know 

who the dad is for the other one!

Fun

A science teacher tells his class,"oxygen is a must for breathing and life.

it was discovered in 1773."A blonde student responds,

"Thank god i was born after 1773!otherwise i would have died without it.

Blonde Jokes

A Blonde,a redhead,and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

They found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

poof !she was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family.

poof!she was back home with her family.

The blonde said,"Awwww,i wish my friends were here.

New

There was a blonde,a redhead,and a brunette.

They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore 

she swam 15 miles,drowned,and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles,drowned,and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles,got tired,and swam back.

New

A robber comes into the store and steals a TV.

A blonde runs after him and says,"wait,you forget the Remote!

 

 

crocodile Jokes

Man:A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile.
Crocodile: The crocodile tells him,"please let me go!i'll grant you any wish you desire.
Man:"The man says,"okay,i wish my penis could touch the ground.
Crocodile:"The crocodile then bites his legs off.

New 

Teacher:"I asked you to draw a cow and grass,but i only see a cow.

where is grass?"

Student:"The cow ate the grass,sir

New

Teacher:"name a bird with wings but can't fly."

Student:"A dead bird,sir."

New

Redhead:"you ever smelled moth balls?"

Blonde:"Yes,i think they smell good."

Redhead:"Wow,i can't believe you got your nose 

between those tiny legs." 

Animal Jokes

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.

one asks the other,"Do you recall your worst day last year?"The other 

resonds,"yes,the day i had diarrhea!"

• Another Jokes

you are on a horse,galloping at a constant speed.on your right side is sharp drop off,and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

what must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Insult Jokes

Teacher:Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Student:Meat!
Teacher:Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Student:Bacon!
Teacher:Great! and what does the cow give you?
Student:Homework!

 New Jokes

 Whenever your ex says ,"you'll never find someone like me,
"the answer to that is," that's the point

Light Travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

My Friend thinks he is smart.

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

So i threw a coconut at his face.

Adult Jokes

Female:As an airplane is about to crash,a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,"if i'm going to die,I want to die feeling likes a women."she removes all her clothing and asks,"Is There someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" 
Man:A man Stands up,removes his shirt and says"here,iron this!".

Adult Jokes

1. Husbend:Husbend And Wife go to their Honeymoon Hotel For their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,

1. Wife:Wife asked ,''when you first saw my naked body in front of you,what was going through your mind?"

Husbend:Husbend Replied,"All I wanted to do was to fuck your Brains out,and suck your tits dry.

1. Wife:"Then,as the wife undressd,she asked,"what are You Thinking now?"

Husbend:Husbend replied,"it looks as if i did a pretty good job."

1. 
   

valentine Husbend Wife Joke

Boring Husbend:Honey Why are you wearing your wedding Ring on The Wrong Finger
 

• Boring Wife:Because I Married the Wrong Man.
  
  *You can be President but You cant't be Pregnant

valentine jokes

Ben: What did one magnet say to the other magnet on Valentine’s Day?
Finn: I have no idea. What?
Ben: “I find you very attractive!”

Q: What do squirrels give each other for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts

 Craig: Why do melons have to get married in churches?
Joe: Why?
Craig: Because they cantaloupe