Family Jokes

A child asked his father,"How were people born?
So his father said,'Adam and Eve made Babies,and so on."
The child then went to his mother,asked her the 
same question and she told him,"we were monkeys then
we evolved to become like we are now."The child 
Ran back to his father and said,"You lied to me!"His Father
replied,"No your mom  was talking about her side of the family.

Fun

Wife:"I look fat.Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband:"you have perfect eyesight.

Fun

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The bus driver says,

"That the ugliest baby that i've ever seen.

Ugh!"The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down,fuming.

She says to a man next to her,"The driver just 

Insulted me!"The man says,"you go right up there and tell him off-go ahead,

i'll hold your monkey for you..

Fun

Little sally came home from school with a smile on her face,and told her mother,

"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!

"Before the mother could raise a concern,Sally went on to say,"It reminded me of

a peanut."Relaxing with a hidden smile,sally's mom asked,"

Really small,was it?"sally replied,"No salty."Mom fainted....

 

Dirty Jokes

A Five-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was.
His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
That evening the second boy asked his dad.
His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and,holding his penis in one hand,
Said,"son,this is a penis.In fact,if you take 
A closer look you will notice that is a perfect penis."The next day boy saw
his friend at recess and called him behind a hedge.
The boy exposed himself and whispered,"this is a penis.In fact,if it were 
three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis...

Fun

A few months after his parents were divorced,

Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning,

i need a man!"over the next several months,

he saw her doing this often.one day,he came from school and heard her moaning differently.

When he picked her into bedroom,he saw a man

on top her.Little Johnny ran into his room,took off his clothes,threw himself on his bed,

and started stroking himself,moaning,"I need a bike!I need a bike!!!!

Fun 

Arnold schwarzenegger has a big one,Michael J.

Fox has a small one,Madonna doesn't have one,The pope has one but doesn't use it,

Dominique strauss-Khan uses his all the time.

What is it?A last name!And shame on you for thinking it was something else.

Dirty Jokes

A Blonde decides to get a porno movie,so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.

When she puts the DVD in and presses 'play,'the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on.

Frustrated,she calls the store about the movie.

They ask her what the title is,and she replies,'Head cleaner"

Dirty Fun

A cucumber,a pickle,and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives.

Cucumber:The cucumber says,"My life sucks.I'm put in salads,and,to top them off,

They pour ranch dressing all over me.My life sucks.
Pickle:"The pickle says,"that's nothing compared to my life.I'm put in vinegar and stored

away for months,out of sight.

Man:My life boring.I hate life.

Penis:"so the penis says,"what are guys complaining about?My life is so messed up that i feel

like shooting myself.They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag,shove me in a cave,and make me do push-ups until I throw up.

Dirty Fun

A guys walks into a bar looking really moody,and orders a double-whiskey.

Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got,until the bartender finally says;

"You know,i don't understand what you're complaining about.All the.

Dirty Fun

A man and a woman were approaching  their 50th anniversary.

To celebrate,the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.
Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night,and eat at the dinner table naked.
The woman agreed.on their anniversary night,at the table,the woman says,"Honey,
my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago."The man replies,"Madge,hon,that's because
 they are sitting in your soup...

Food Jokes

A man kills deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
bit will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said,"well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."The little girl screamed
to her brother,"Don't eat it.Its an asshole!!!

Food fun

A teacher asked her students to use the word"beans"in a sentence.

"My father grows beans,"said one girl.

"My mother cooks  beans,"said a boy.A third student spoke up,

"we are all human beans."

Food fun

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex

drive by 90%.It's called a wedding cake...

 Food fun

A panda walks into a bar,sits down,and orders a sandwich.

He eats,pulls out a gun,and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go,the bartender shouts,"hey!

Where are you going?You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay

for the food!"The panda yells back,"Hey man,i'm panda.

Look it up!"The bartender opens his dictionary to panda,"A tree

climbing mammal of Asian origin,characterized by distinct 

black and white coloring.Eats,shoots,and leaves."

Short Jokes

Teacher:What are some products of the West Indies?
Student:i don't know.
Teacher:of course,you do.where do you get sugar from?
Student:We borrow it from our neighbor.

Fun

Teacher:could you please pay a little attention here?

Student:Yes mam,I am Paying as little attention as i can.!!!

Fun

An E.N.T. Professor retired from college.

In the farewell college faculty gifted him a siver ear thanking the 

Faculty the professor said:Thank God I am not a

  gynecologist.

Fun

Teacher:Can anybody give an example of coincidence?

Pappu:sir,my mother and father got married on the same day,same time...

Fun

Teacher:How old is your dad.

Student:He is as old as i am.

Teacher:How is it possible?

Student:Because he became a dad only after i was born...

Fun

johnny asked to sam what they will do that night.

Sam said "we will flip a coin 

Then Johnny said "If it comes head,we will go for movies.

If tails,we will play cards,If it stands on edge,we will study.....

Fun

Customer:Waiter,waiter!There is a frog in my soup!!!

Waiter:Sorry,sir.the fly is on vacation

Fun

Patient:Doctor,I have a pain in my eye whenever i drink tea.

Doctor:Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Jokes

"Babe is it in?" "yea." "Does it hurt?" "uh huh.

" "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts.

" "okay,let's try another shoe size."

 Fun 

There was an old couple laying in bed.

The man turns tells the woman,"if you want to have sex,pull on my dick once.

If you don't want to have sex,pull on my 

dick one hundred times."

Fun

During a discussion at sunday school,a nun asks the children 

what they think god takes you by when you die.

A kid responds,"i think God takes you by your feet,because

once i walked into my parents room and my mom's

feet were in the air and she was screaming,"oh God,i'm coming!!!!

Fun

what did the left p*ssy lip say to the right p*ssy lip?

"we used to be really tight until you let

that d*ck come between us

Fun

Women are like rocks.

They're only cool after they get wet.

Fun

A boy asks his mom,"why am i black and you're white?

"She says,"Don't even go there.

The way that party went,you're lucky you don't bark."

Fun

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 Seconds?

Sex Jokes

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts,"Mypenis,"and the wife falls on the ground
laughing because on the screen it says,"Error.Not long enough."

Fun

Teacher:The teacher asked jimmy,"why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

 Jimmy:Jimmy replied crying,"Because I heard tell my mommy,"i am going to eat that pussy

once Jimmy leaves for school today!

Fun

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother,where do babies come from?"the mother thinks for a few seconds and says,"well dear,

Mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.one night they go into their bedroom,they kiss and hug,and have sex."The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,"That means the daddy

puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.That's how you get a baby,honey."the child seems to comprehend."Oh,i see,but the other night when i came daddy's penis in your mouth.what do you

get when you do that?"Jewelry,my dear.Jewelry."

Fun

I asked a chinese girl for her number.She said,"sex! sex! sex! free sex tonight!

"I said,"Wow!"Then her friend said,"she means 666-3629."

Fun 

Having sex is like playing bridge.

If you don't have good partner,you'd better

have a good hand.

Fun

Maria:Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by

climbing  a tree.

Mom:Mom responded,"maria,they just wanted to see your panties!"

Maria:She replied,"see Mom,I was smart,i took them off!"